Showing posts from August, 2018

Don't Bother Him with Your Words

It is trite to begin a begin a piece with the definition of a word. But in order to discuss my relationship with shame, it is important to understand how this word is defined. According to Webster’s dictionary, shame (noun) is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. To be ashamed (adjective) is to be reluctant or unwilling to do something because of shame or embarrassment.
The definition of shame includes the words consciousness of guilt, and the definition of ashamed includes the words reluctant or unwilling. I highlighted the words consciousness of guilt and reluctant or unwilling because they are the lens through which I see my relationship with shame. There is the guilt of not having the ability to move on, the guilt of not having enough sexual partners, of not being enough. I am reluctant and unwilling in a lot of ways, reluctant to look a man in the eyes or to even say his name. I am unwilling to let myself get hurt again, to turn my vulne…