Pizza Time! Excellent!
I got drunk and watched the classic 1992 film Wayne's World.
6:30 pm: I opened up a bottle of six-dollar wine. Sauvignon Blanc, obviously. (side note: do not under any circumstances try to order this kind of wine when dining at a Hooter’s. Maybe just don’t dine at Hooter’s.)
6:35 pm: I ordered Domino’s. Brooklyn style, with extra cheese. JUST FOR ME. (side note: I not so secretly love pizza night because of how happy it makes my dog Gigi. It seems redundant to tell you that I am single.)
7:27 pm: The pizza has arrived. I am no longer wearing pants. My mason jar is full of wine. Time to start the movie. (side note: happy to be in my underwear on my couch and not falling asleep to Iron and Wine at Waterfront Wednesday. I realize this makes me sound like Homer Simpson.)
7:30 pm: The Suck Kut. IT CERTAINLY DOES SUCK. Why don’t I have my own show? I feel like Wayne and I would really hit it off. Also, the guy who invented The Suck Kut reminds me of my creepy dentist who sexually harassed me. Direct quote, “Lilly, you’ve perfected lying on your back and not saying a word. This will come in handy someday.” COOL! SO FAR IT HASN’T.
7:33 pm: Wayne still lives with his parents. But we never see his parents? WHAT DO THEY DO? I am very concerned.
7:34 pm: I have to be honest. I could live the rest of my life without having to hear ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’
7:39 pm: Seriously the “foxy lady” Garth has a crush on is way too attractive to be working in a diner.
7:39 pm: PSYCHO HOSE BEAST. I just really love this insult and tend to use it frequently.
7:40 pm: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH A GUN RACK? GET THE NET! These exclamations are still relevant in 2017. My mind is blown right now.
7:42 pm: Hey Lilly, remember that time someone told you that you looked like Tia Carrere? Remember how your first instinct was to think about her in the classic 1997 film High School High?
7:45 pm: Grey Poupon. This scene is probably the reason I eventually warmed up to mustard.
7:49 pm: MARRIAGE IS PUNISHMENT FOR SHOPLIFTING IN SOME COUNTRIES. If this is true, I wouldn’t be surprised.
7:51 pm: There’s enough product in Rob Lowe’s hair to lube up the entire cast of a porno.
7:55 pm: Time for a wine refill. I still feel flattered someone once told me I looked like the actress who plays the lead singer in Crucial Taunt. At some point, Laura Flynn Boyle was married to Jack Nicholson. That’s weird. I wonder if he owns enough guns to necessitate a gun rack. (side note: apparently, they were never married. MY BAD.)
8:03 pm: She’s a Gigi babe. This is how I talk to my dog. (side note: I am not actually a Cathy comic.)
8:06 pm: “I just opened my mouth and out it came.” This sentence makes me uncomfortable.
8:10 pm: Oh my god. My dog just walked up to the TV screen when Garth’s dog comes into his room and tells him Wayne is outside. MY HEART IS FULL.
8:19 pm: IF YOU SPEW AND SHE STAYS, SHE’S YOURS. This is basically how I feel about farting.
8:20 pm: Does “foxy lady” ever get a name? It’s probably Stephanie.
8:25 pm: RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE. EWWWW! Ok but seriously, who actually buys ribbed condoms? Outside of this scene they don’t exist to me. If you need your condom to be ribbed to pleasure a partner SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.
8:30 pm: BACKSTAGE PASSES TO ALICE COOPER. I cannot believe this guy likes golf. He’s also a Christian and a Republican. The golf thing is more disturbing to me. “Let me just remove this snake from around my neck and then we can tee up!”
8:31 pm: Chris Farley’s first role. If Tommy Boy doesn’t make you laugh, we probably won’t get along.
8:32 pm: Alice Cooper is smart. Why is this scene so golden? (side note: my parents took me to Hawaii when I was two and evidently the following events occurred: I was bitten by an Indian monkey, I ran away from my mother and got into the elevator, probably because Alice Cooper was staying at the same hotel and somehow, I knew I could go hang out with him at the bar or preferably by the pool.)
8:45 pm: Oh my god. Did Wayne and Garth just refer to the guy with the limo from Sharp Records as MR. BIG? I am being such a Carrie right now.
8:47 pm: Seriously, now Cassandra has a snake molesting her body? The 90’s were weird. Rob Lowe is the real snake. Tube Snake Boogie.
8:52 pm: Just poured the rest of the bottle of wine into my cup. Good thing I bought another bottle. I am my mother’s daughter.
8:59 pm: Ok, so “foxy lady” doesn’t have a name. Just Dream Woman. Still, she’s probably a Stephanie. I hope Garth finds his Dream Woman. (side note: I refuse to watch the train wreck that is Wayne’s World 2.)