Showing posts from August, 2017

Pizza Time! Excellent!

I got drunk and watched the classic 1992 film Wayne's World. 

6:30 pm: I opened up a bottle of six-dollar wine. Sauvignon Blanc, obviously. (side note: do not under any circumstances try to order this kind of wine when dining at a Hooter’s. Maybe just don’t dine at Hooter’s.)
6:35 pm: I ordered Domino’s. Brooklyn style, with extra cheese. JUST FOR ME. (side note: I not so secretly love pizza night because of how happy it makes my dog Gigi. It seems redundant to tell you that I am single.)
7:27 pm: The pizza has arrived. I am no longer wearing pants. My mason jar is full of wine. Time to start the movie. (side note: happy to be in my underwear on my couch and not falling asleep to Iron and Wine at Waterfront Wednesday. I realize this makes me sound like Homer Simpson.)
7:30 pm: The Suck Kut. IT CERTAINLY DOES SUCK. Why don’t I have my own show? I feel like Wayne and I would really hit it off. Also, the guy who invented The Suck Kut reminds me of my creepy dentist who sexually harassed …

My First Relationship

(I think I've finally hit my humiliation button. This is a descriptive essay I wrote in the 9th grade about my first boyfriend from the year before. Somehow I received an A+ on this paper and it took a lot of willpower to get through re-typing this to share on my blog, so you're welcome? I'm sorry? Also, please note that I am 32 years old now and my heart has recovered. Thank you.)

Decemeber 6, 1999

To me, being with a guy who was "more than a friend" seemed frightful in the beginning. It was all very new to me. All it took was a gentle touch upon my body and I knew those were feelings I would never forget. The way he always seemed to place his warm, gentle hands in mine always made something in my stomach quiver.  I never thought I could ever be loved, but up until recently, I had been notified as to why I had been taken for five glorious months. 

They arrived at my door, all three of them. I had thrown on a pair of loosely fitting jeans that I had cut up on the bo…