A Night With 'Showgirls'


7:40 pm
I pour myself a tequila and soda with lime.

7:44 pm
I pack a bowl. I have to be prepared to go into battle. It bears worth mentioning this is the fifth time I’ve seen this movie.

7:48 pm
I press play.

7:49 pm
I like Jesse Spano’s black leather jacket with all that fringe. (Her name in the movie is actually Nomi Malone, but I refuse to use this name.)

7:50 pm
According to Jesse, nobody likes Garth Brooks. She also thinks she is a switchblade sister.  

7:54 pm
Jesse is losing it in the parking lot because she lost her suitcase. A woman runs over and tells her that’s her car. There is a weird sexual tension between her and this woman. Now they’re hugging because they’re best friends?

7:55 pm
WHY IS JESSE BEING SO AGGRESSIVE WITH THE KETCHUP?

7:56 pm
Jesse asks the woman if she’s hitting on her. NOT EVERYBODY WANTS YOU MISS CAFFEINE PILLS!

7:58 pm
BOOBS. If I take a drink every time I see breasts in this movie I’ll hold the world record for the quickest case of alcohol poisoning.

8:00 pm
There are titties everywhere on this stage that looks like an erupting volcano. Jesse is making weird sexual hand gestures all over herself while she watches. THAT’S GOING TO BE ME SOMEDAY.

8:01 pm
Here is Gina Gershon. I hit pause to google her and Bill Clinton.

8:03 pm
Resume film.

8:06 pm
WHY DOES JESSE KEEP BEING MOODY AND TAKING IT OUT ON SOMEONE’S CAR?

8:07 pm
Jesse is still wearing clothes. Give it five minutes, Lilly.

8:08 pm
“What am I doing?” asks Jesse. “Teasing my dick!” says the man who just wants to help her “dance.” I am LOL-ing uncontrollably.

8:09 pm
“I don’t need nobody to teach me to dance!” Preach it, sister.

8:10 pm
I’M SORRY, BUT WHERE DID THAT RING POP JUST COME FROM?

8:12 pm
“Have you done a lap dance before?” I think to myself if I had a dollar every time someone has asked me that…and oh my god, I just got distracted because Jesse is talking about her period and bleeding all over the stripper stage.

8:14 pm
Jesse is dancing, and I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO…SO…SCARED! Also, I think she’s dancing to Prince?

8:15 pm
YOU KNOW I WISH I HAD JESSE’S BOOBS.

8:19 pm
Jesse is giving a private lap dance to Kyle MacLachlan and Gina Gershon.

8:21 pm
Hey Spano, the bottom of your stripper heel in someone’s face is not sexy. Those shoes have been walking around a strip club all night. I’m really worried about all those germs. Crushing Kyle MacLachlan with your pussy is sexy though, from the looks of it. Or traumatizing. JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT SHE CAN DO IN THE POOL! 

8:24 pm
“EVERYBODY GOT AIDS AND SHIT” Somebody actually paid someone to wrote these words. I can’t breathe.

8:27 pm
These women are naked as fuck.

8:29 pm
I am convinced women in Las Vegas just don’t ever wear bras or pants. At least not in 1995.

8:32 pm
“I’ve got a topless show for Christ sakes, let me see your tits!” AND I’VE GOT A SHOE ON MY FOOT, LET ME KICK YOU IN THE DICK!

8:34 pm
I hit pause and go into the freezer for a leftover pint of Ben and Jerry’s “Half Baked.” This should be obvious why it’s funny.

8:41 pm
Jesse has now gotten this dancer guy fired twice somehow. AND NOW THEY’RE ON A DATE? In real life, this would never happen.

8:43 pm
Someone needs to tell these kids they are not auditioning for Dirty Dancing.

8:44 pm
Oh my god. She is actually on her period and tells him to put his hand down there to check. See? NO. NO. NO. YOU’VE GOT TOWELS??? You can fuck me when you love me? Spano, YOUZ A DICK TEASE.

8:50 pm
THANKS, I BOUGHT IT AT VER-SAAYS.

8:51 pm
Brown rice and vegetables only.

8:52 pm
IT’S PRONOUNCED VERSACEEE? THANK YOU FOR MANSPLAINING FASHION, TREY MACDOUGAL.

8:55 pm
WHY ARE THERE MONKEYS RUNNING THROUGH THE DRESSING ROOM? I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

8:57 pm
I hit pause to refresh my drink.

9:02 pm
I really don’t understand why they always have to be topless. I’m having flashbacks to the Saved by the Bell movie where Zack and Kelly go to Las Vegas to get married. FULLY CLOTHED.

9:05 pm
“Only people I know who got pimp cars are pimps.” Again, somebody got paid to write this. I will no longer feel insecure about anything I write ever again.

9:06 pm
How many times can Gina Gershon say ‘darlin’? Is this how she refers to Bill Clinton?

9:07 pm
“I’ve had dog food.” Oh my god. They are talking about eating doggie chow and how much they loved it. WHY DO I LOVE THIS SCENE SO MUCH? BECAUSE IT DOESN’T SEEM REAL. I immediately pet my dog and tell her how much I love her.

9:11 pm
I really want to know how the auditions went for this movie. What kind of questions did they ask the actors: how often do you enjoy wearing clothing? How do you feel about your nipples? Do you know how to read? I’m assuming that last one wasn’t a deal breaker.

9:15 pm
Good for you Jesse. Good for you, you’ve got standards.

9:18 pm
JUST KIDDING! YOU’RE ABOUT TO BANG KYLE!

9:21 pm
IS GINA GERSHON SUPPOSED TO BE JESUS?? I shouldn’t be surprised. Something tells me shows in Las Vegas aren’t actually like this. I’m just guessing.

9;24 pm
“It must be weird not having anyone come on you.” I COULDN’T MAKE THIS UP IF I TRIED.

9:27 pm
NOBODY WANTS TO GIVE AN UNDERWATER BLOWJOB! Again, I’m speculating.

9:29 pm
Weirdest sex scene of all time. I am not wrong. WHO FLOPS AROUND LIKE THAT?? Seriously, that doesn’t look comfortable. She may need to lay down on a heating pad after this. I can’t help but wonder if this scene was improvised.

9:35 pm
I just realized Jesse has an unusually small butt crack.

9:37 pm
Cue dramatic scene of Jesse eating a cheeseburger and looking over the strip. FUCK BROWN RICE AND VEGETABLES!

9:41 pm
Can’t GIna and Jesse be friends again? THEY’LL ALWAYS HAVE DOGGIE CHOW!     

9:42 pm
I have no words for this dance sequence except I’ve never been so turned off by leather. Also, I cannot imagine having this on my resume.

9:44 pm
JESSE pushed Gina down the stairs. SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE SENT TO MR. BELDING’S OFFICE.

9:47 pm
I am seriously considering the level of confidence behind the people who made this movie.

9:49 pm
OH GOD, MOLLY PLEASE DON’T GO TO THAT PARTY.

9:51 pm
Andrew Carver. JUST, NO.

9:53 pm
I hate this scene so much I don’t even to want to discuss it.

9:56 pm
Jesse has a secret identity. Why is Kyle’s hand around her neck while he’s blackmailing her? WHEN DID THIS MOVIE GET SO SERIOUS?

9:58 pm
“You have low self-esteem baby, you’re a fantastic fuck.” Jesse spits in Kyle’s face.
BUT HE WAS PAYING YOU A COMPLIMENT!

10:00 pm
Oh good, Andrew Carver again. WHY ARE JESSE’S NIPPLES SO RED?
She just kicked his ass straight back to the trailer park.

10:04 pm
Hit pause and pack another bowl.

10:08 pm
Gina is obviously in love with Jesse and now they’re kissing goodbye. Seriously, who wrote this script? WHAT ARE THESE MEN DOING WITH THEIR LIVES NOW?

10:10 pm
Jesse still doesn’t own a bra and gets picked up by redneck Elvis in a truck again.  SHE REALLY WANTS HER SUITCASE BACK, FOR ALL THOSE CLOTHES SHE DOESN’T LIKE TO WEAR. 

10:13 pm
The movie is over and I immediately draw myself a bath.

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