Mostly, You Just Make Me Mad

"Know the feeling that everything is completely falling apart and the only thing holding u together is fear of the unknown?"

He sent me a text message on Monday afternoon. I was still at work.

I had nothing to say. I felt relieved he was unhappy with his life.

'Pale Blue Eyes' was playing and it reminded me of the last time I actually saw him. 

Three years ago I had gotten off work around 10 at night. He was parked outside my house. 

I drove around the block and called a friend.

"What the fuck do I do?"

"Tell him you have plans with me," she said. "I'll buy you a drink."

"Shit, okay."

I parked my car and took a deep breath. As he began walking towards me I asked what he was doing here.

He shrugged and gave me a look I was supposed to understand. I don't remember quite how it happened but the three of us got in my car. I drove to the bar.

We sat on stools in front of the well. My girl friend went to the bathroom. I ordered a Tom Collins. It tasted like dirty water.

"Where's your ring?" I asked him.

"Funny story," he said. "I hit my hand against the dresser this morning and it broke."

God damn it.

"What? That's not a good sign."

"I know, right?" He laughed.

My girl friend sat down on my right. He was on my left. When I felt his knee touch mine, I became stiff. He reached for my hand. It felt sweaty and reckless. I kept engaging my friend in conversation about her life, but I knew who else was sitting next to me.

He bought the three of us another round of drinks. I asked the bartender for a bourbon and ginger. It still tasted like dirty water.

I could sense the uncomfortable eyes my girl friend was trying to hide. I wanted to say how sorry I was, but all I could think about was the broken ring.

I let him drive my car back to my house. The three of us stood outside my apartment. The air was humid and thick. I told my girl friend I would call her the next day.

It was close to one in the morning and he invited himself upstairs. When he left an hour later, I cried myself to sleep.

Linger On.


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