Showing posts from 2010


Fashion magazines. They have always provided a sort of comfort for me, see the second paragraph. This morning I took my dog out. There is still snow on the ground and in the street, but better looking than it was earlier this week. Towards the end of the walk, my dog is sniffing around in the snow at the very edge of someone's lawn. Every once and awhile I see this woman standing at her see-through door watching me. For a split second I see the door open and what I think I hear is "get out of here." I am stunned for a second and say, "what the fuck" to myself. I have never talked to this bitch, but the day I started to not like her she almost hit me with her car, as she drove past with a smile on her face. When I got back inside my apartment, I needed to calm down. I grabbed an issue of Nylon and forgot the fact that I'm in this shit desert.

Although not quite having reached the so-called 'height of sophistication,' I was under the age of 10 after a…


"Well, she's not THAT pregnant."

This statement alone makes my year. This happened months ago, but I still cannot get over it. After hearing a young woman make this astute observation about her friend, multiple conversations pierced through my mind.

"Hey Stacy, how are you feeling today?"
"Oh my Gawd, just totally bloated and pregnant. But I'm hoping it's just a 24 hour thing."

"What's up with you lately Carrie? Something wrong?"
"I just feel a little pregnant today, that's all. I'm gunna take an ibuprofen and lie down."

Last night I watched Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I should have watched this in high school. Then again, just attending my high school was enough for me to realize the kind of person I did not want to become. I have always tended to brush off politics. Since being here, I realize I have started to pay attention. When Jeff Smith stands up for bringing more kindness into the matters of the people…


I am 25 years old. I am squeezing the teddy bear I've been sleeping with since I was born. My apartment smells like freshly baked cookies. My dog is looking up at me with her big brown eyes. I should be relaxed, but my arms are still slightly shaky. I wrote down what I am going to say and I am still anxious. I know I have to apologize, but am I forfeiting as well? Not really. But it is a difficult place to come to--realizing you have to give up a small part of yourself to admit your fault(s). I don't mind apologizing, and rising above the situation, it's just anticipating that she won't apologize to me that worries me. Why do I care so much? I don't really need an apology do I? I keep looking out the window and thinking I need to get over myself. Pride gets in the way of everything. Blind pride helps keep the red, white and blue stay true. My mind cannot stay still because I am waiting for her to call me back. I thought waiting for a boy to call was excruciating. I…


When I was 18 years old I spontaneously left Belmont University the weekend of valentines day. I had come home that weekend and brought a friend with me. The thought of going back to school seemed torturous. I might as well have been straddling the legs of the dining room table like an infant. When I got back to campus the next day I furiously packed up my dorm room. The next morning, my car packed to the nines, I slipped my key and a note under the door of the RD and bounced. I bring this up because I am beginning to have this feeling again seven years later.
Six months in, six more to go. I can't say much has been accomplished. I can't seem to figure out why I uprooted, using this word loosely here, my life to be at a place only open three days a week. Maybe I'm just having a bad week, the kind where inanimate objects become symbols of frustration. Thus, leading me into a constant swearing frenzy. I know what you may be thinking. I am not PMSing thank you. Patience has b…

Girl in a Coma

I spent this weekend at a small arts and crafts fair. I was sitting at a booth representing the place where I work. To sum it up: I got a lot of reading ton, and almost fell into a coma on multiple occasions. The most exciting thing to happen was looking up from my magazine to an old man, whom I had never met, handing me a $2 bill.
"When you finish your book, go and get yourself a coke," he said.
This was one of those moments where I just couldn't figure out how to react. The $2 bill is, of course, the heart of the story. I sit there stunned and respond awkwardly that I don't drink sodas...of course, this isn't true, but it's all I could manage to say as he walked back to his booth as if this was normal behavior.
I am going to take a minute to discuss 'social skills.' A fairly basic concept, something we try to either embrace or defile in accordance with our classmates, friends, family, coworkers...Naturally, I expected there to be some adjusting when I…


I cannot get The Replacements "Here Comes a Regular" out of my head. I worked in a local coffee shop for close to five years, and this song would pop into my head constantly. When I was home for the weekend, I was explaining to someone what I am doing here in WV. As I began talking about the non-profit organization, which helps with low-income and poverty stricken people in this particular county, I mentioned that one of the most popular programs is the bread & soup express. People can come in twice a week and get food for their families. I casually mentioned that it's mostly a lot of the same people each week. Regulars, if you will. My mind flip-flopped to the coffee shop and how baristas use this word to identify daily customers with deep caffeine-afflicted pockets.
One word. Two different worlds. Basic needs versus expensive habits. While coffee certainly fits in the category of "basic needs" for a lot of people (including yours truly), it has become an o…


My mom used to tell me when I was younger that if I swallowed my gum my butt cheeks would eventually stick together. While I'm not an avid gum chewer, I'll admit this had me curious. Every once and awhile when I did chew gum, I would swallow it. Later on, before stepping into the shower, I would examine my backside in the mirror to make sure she wasn't actually right. We all know that there is hardly anything more frustrating than when you're wrong and your parents are right.
Of course, I also used to think I was the only person in the world who showered naked. That's what bathing suits were for--I can't really defend this one, it's too ridiculous. But I like the visual, somewhat related to Tobias being a "never nude." Similar principle.
And then there's "the napkin dance." It would be nice to think there are other families who know what I'm talking about. It's not a difficult concept. You put your napkin on top of your head an…


"All that was left was this anguished heart, eager to live, rebelling against the deadly order of the world that had been with him for forty years, and still struggling against the wall that separated him from the secret of all life, wanting to go farther, to go beyond, and to discover, discover before dying, discover at last in order to be, just once to be, for a single second, but forever."
-Albert Camus The First Man
I was going back and forth between reading this novel and writing a letter to a friend who is living in France for the year. This passage jumped out at me because it manages to capture what we are both going through in our lives. We are both alone, somewhere new, capturing new feelings about what it means to be alive. Like any meager twenty-something, we want to be able to touch the world while simultaneously grasping our understanding of it.
I first read Letters to a Young Poet my freshman year of college, perhaps before then but I can't seem to recall. I …


"tickled pink. fine and dandy. plum crazy."
This is the response you get when you ask someone at the drug store how they are doing today. Take it up a couple decimals and add some sass, welcome to West Virginia. I liked this woman immediately, mostly because she said "tickled pink" and it reminded me of a hotel my family stayed at called The Tickle Pink Inn. We only stayed for one night. The only bit I remember about this place was that the room had a VCR and you could rent videos in the lobby. Ghostbusters seemed to be the obvious choice.
I am going to take a minute here to discuss something that sticks out the most since I have moved here. When I go to the grocery store and get stuck in line behind people who have packed their carts full to the brim, I can't help but look at what they are buying. Everyone does this, I'm sure. It's a silent, judgmental way of getting to know the person in front of you. Buying in bulk is big here, especially in regards t…


I mentioned in an earlier post, my nostalgic appetite for pseudo-asian cuisine. As I'm coming back in to town yesterday evening I drive past the store that serves as a partial food mart, collectable goods store(a.k.a. statues with dolphins, unicorns, jesus...), as well as a fast food joint. The one radio station in town also broadcasts from this place. Multipurpose at its finest. The sign out front tells drivers as they go by the special of the day. Yesterday, it happened to be "Chinese Food."
I must not judge this place too harshly, as I had one of the best cheeseburgers of life a few months before. However, the sign seemed to represent to me the same treatment that hit television shows give to their "special episodes." My curiosity was definitely peaked, while my stomach seemed to do the opposite. My desire for one of my favorite greasy cuisine past times has, to a degree, been licked. But now, I am left wondering what the west virginian idea of "chinese …


Not until moving to BFE had I really given much thought to how grocery stores are stocked based upon their location and clientele. Admittedly, the neighborhood I've lived in my whole life has spoiled me. Everything I've ever needed is in walking distance, including a grocery store. Now I have to drive 8 miles into the next town over. While I have gotten used to the drive, this particular Kroger is somewhat lacking. I love the fact that my Annie's Organic mac and cheese can be purchased for $1 and organic milk is $2.99. But attempting to really cook, as I discovered last night, is going to require a 25-30 minute drive to the "upscale" Kroger.
As I walked into this new territory, I breathed a sigh of relief. This grocery could actually provide items such as goat cheese and eggplants. It is not usual for me to be seen talking to myself as I walk through a grocery store, remembering the list of things in my head. I doubt this is that uncommon. When I walk past someone…

I'm gunna make it this year...


Last night marked a special occasion. I spent more than 2 hours in the kitchen. Yesterday was also the first time I've ever bought bread flour; and yeast for that matter. In my mind, I have always painted a portrait of waiting for dough to rise as the culinary equivalent to watching paint dry. I was standing over the saran wrapped bowl watching the dough that I created mature into the final product of itself. Eventually I began to notice tiny air holes coming through, as if the dough was trying to gently tell me I fucked up.
I call home. I am rewarded and relieved that the air holes just mean the dough is breathing. This means I did something right! I pour a glass of wine to celebrate. This bottle of wine was also used to roll the dough flat, as I don't own a rolling pin. My mother told me it would take maybe 20 minutes for the dough to rise. It was closer to an hour, perhaps a little longer. But once it was finally ready to turn into four mini-pizzas, I realized how much fun I…


A fellow Vista and I have made it a rule to let each other know when we find out something exquisite about our new towns of humble proportions. Lately, we have been sending each other names back and forth. Last week, the prize belongs to one Kohl Boyee.
I have reason to believe that being single for so long somehow warrants situations out of the ordinary. Example. On monday evenings a NA group uses the space where I work for their meeting. I come downstairs to let people in. This hasn't amounted to becoming a problem, as my mondays are typically spent in my "tummy-pants" while flipping through instant-watch on Netflix. Monday evening, I open the door and wait for people to come in. The woman in charge of these meetings has been absent the last 2 weeks. Still, I wait around for a few minutes to see if she shows up this week.
Restless from the awkwardness in the room, as well as the florescent lighting, I turn towards the door to leave. Before my hand could meet the golden …

self indulgent post #1

Location: small town in West Virginia, less than 1,000 people.
Purpose: spending the year doing Americorps. Taking another a year to figure out what the hell comes next. By volunteering for a year, I wanted to avoid the "real world." Three months in I realize it doesn't get more real than where I am currently residing.
When the closest pizza place to where you live is called Possum Holler, you realize you're not in kentucky anymore, toto (or in my dogs case, Gigi). There actually is a Taco Bell here, 4 miles away and attached to a BP. Let's face it. Fast food is never worth driving 4 miles for, let alone an 8 mile roundtrip altogether. Thus, this has made me come to realize I do have to cook for myself. But damn it do I miss pseudo-authentic asian take-out. My waste line would disagree with me here.
I have a lot of down time, or "quality time" to spend with myself. While I've always appreciated my solitude and low maintenance weekends, there's som…