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The Perfect Woman 2.0

A couple years ago, I found myself in bed with Roseanne Barr. I was binge watching the Roseanne collection on Netflix and paused after watching an episode from the second season, called “All of Me.” Jackie has a new boyfriend, Gary, and they are having dinner with Roseanne and her husband Dan. Jackie, who is 33 years old, is clearly smitten and “acting like a high school girl,” according to Roseanne.
Dan and Gary go out to the garage so the women can talk. Roseanne brings up a man Jackie dated the year before. She hints at Jackie’s bad track record with men and seems concerned Jackie is, once again, throwing herself into another man’s personality while ignoring her own. “We do things I want to do all the time. Or, we will,” says Jackie.  They continue to talk in the kitchen, and Jackie is convinced she shouldn’t have to tell Gary what she wants because he should already know. “Yes, he should be able to read your mind,” says Roseanne.
In the next scene, Jackie and Gary are in bed. He a…

A Night With 'Showgirls'

7:40 pm I pour myself a tequila and soda with lime.
7:44 pm I pack a bowl. I have to be prepared to go into battle. It bears worth mentioning this is the fifth time I’ve seen this movie.
7:48 pm I press play.
7:49 pm I like Jesse Spano’s black leather jacket with all that fringe. (Her name in the movie is actually Nomi Malone, but I refuse to use this name.)
7:50 pm According to Jesse, nobody likes Garth Brooks. She also thinks she is a switchblade sister.
7:54 pm Jesse is losing it in the parking lot because she lost her suitcase. A woman runs over and tells her that’s her car. There is a weird sexual tension between her and this woman. Now they’re hugging because they’re best friends?
7:55 pm WHY IS JESSE BEING SO AGGRESSIVE WITH THE KETCHUP?
7:56 pm Jesse asks the woman if she’s hitting on her. NOT EVERYBODY WANTS YOU MISS CAFFEINE PILLS!
7:58 pm BOOBS. If I take a drink every time I see breasts in this movie I’ll hold the world record for the quickest case of alcohol poisoning.
8:00 pm There are ti…

Whiskey Eyes

They had stayed up late the night before with their bare feet on his front porch drinking bourbon and looking up at the dark sky with white sprinkles. He had mentioned something about the air, how it smelled sweet. Like cantaloupe. She licked her lips and tasted the air. She liked when he talked that way. In the late morning, she drove to the closest grocery store and walked to the produce section. She was unsure if she would purchase the whole melon or buy the already sliced prepackaged kind. She figured the melon might be more of a romantic gesture. They would cut it in half, spoon out the seeds and lick the juice from the tips of each other’s fingers. She picked up a melon and headed towards the beer aisle. The cold touched her skin in a way that made her toes tingle in a way she liked. She looked at the stubby Coors bottles, noticed the six-pack was on sale. She reached to grab the handle and let her hand caress the side of one of the bottles. She figured she would nee…

I watched The History of the Eagles

7:49 pm After retrieving Chinese takeout and two bottles of bottom shelf Rose, I start the documentary.
7:54 pm I put the documentary on pause and pack a bowl.
8:03 pm I notice Glenn Frey looks like a less hot version of Gram Parsons.
8:08 pm Apparently, The Beatles were a huge influence on The Eagles. I AM SHOCKED.
8:13 pm Don Henley is friends with Bob Seger. Somehow this makes total sense to me.
8:18 pm A CHANCE ENCOUNTER WITH KENNY ROGERS. It was thirty seconds later when I realized I confused him with Kenny Loggins. This happens a lot I am guessing.
8:20 pm Jackson Browne is talking. All these men make me want to drink Miller Lite and I don’t know why.
8:26 pm I realize I have a huge crush on Linda Ronstadt.
8:29 pm THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT THE FLYING BURRITO BROTHERS! You should probably know they are one of my favorite bands and I feel like they are often overshadowed by the group of men they refer to as The Eagles. There are several connections between the two bands, but Bernie Leadon is the …