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Pizza Time! Excellent!

I got drunk and watched the classic 1992 film Wayne's World. 

6:30 pm: I opened up a bottle of six-dollar wine. Sauvignon Blanc, obviously. (side note: do not under any circumstances try to order this kind of wine when dining at a Hooter’s. Maybe just don’t dine at Hooter’s.)
6:35 pm: I ordered Domino’s. Brooklyn style, with extra cheese. JUST FOR ME. (side note: I not so secretly love pizza night because of how happy it makes my dog Gigi. It seems redundant to tell you that I am single.)
7:27 pm: The pizza has arrived. I am no longer wearing pants. My mason jar is full of wine. Time to start the movie. (side note: happy to be in my underwear on my couch and not falling asleep to Iron and Wine at Waterfront Wednesday. I realize this makes me sound like Homer Simpson.)
7:30 pm: The Suck Kut. IT CERTAINLY DOES SUCK. Why don’t I have my own show? I feel like Wayne and I would really hit it off. Also, the guy who invented The Suck Kut reminds me of my creepy dentist who sexually harassed …

My First Relationship

(I think I've finally hit my humiliation button. This is a descriptive essay I wrote in the 9th grade about my first boyfriend from the year before. Somehow I received an A+ on this paper and it took a lot of willpower to get through re-typing this to share on my blog, so you're welcome? I'm sorry? Also, please note that I am 32 years old now and my heart has recovered. Thank you.)



Decemeber 6, 1999

To me, being with a guy who was "more than a friend" seemed frightful in the beginning. It was all very new to me. All it took was a gentle touch upon my body and I knew those were feelings I would never forget. The way he always seemed to place his warm, gentle hands in mine always made something in my stomach quiver.  I never thought I could ever be loved, but up until recently, I had been notified as to why I had been taken for five glorious months. 

They arrived at my door, all three of them. I had thrown on a pair of loosely fitting jeans that I had cut up on the bo…

Girls Rock!

The air in Headliners Music Hall was thick and warm. The summer heat was dancing its way into the presence of the Girls Rock Louisville showcase. What was once a two-day camp in 2014, has now become a week-long camp to empower girls and gender non-conforming youth by immersing themselves in the exploration of music in a supportive and creative environment.
Before the start of the show, I went to the bar to order a beer. While I was waiting for the bartender, a middle-aged man standing next to me introduced himself and asked if I had a kid in one of the bands. I awkwardly said no, but mentioned I had friends who did. I was there to support a community that actively encourages the kind of self-confidence in young girls that I had so desperately needed when I was their age.
My current Instagram handle is rockrgrl7, which dates back to days of teenage angst and AOL Instant Messenger. The name came from the feminist magazine ROCKRGRL, based out of California and was the first print magazine…

Crunch Wrap Supremes and Frenemies

It started with a homemade Crunch Wrap Supreme. I left a comment on Lucy’s Instagram picture and within minutes we had exchanged phone numbers and began texting as if it hadn’t been fourteen years since we had last seen one another. A quick hit on the fast forward button and we would be equally worried if we hadn’t heard from one another in two days. She lives in Raleigh, North Carolina with her wife Lisa. I live in Louisville, Kentucky with my dog Gigi. The more we communicated, the more curious I became at what made us frenemies in years long past.
We attended middle school and high school together, graduating in 2003. After ninth grade, we transferred from a conservative private school with uniforms and a lust for field hockey, to another private school with liberal clothing standards, where students could sign out to eat lunch at restaurants downtown, and more famously, smoke cigarettes openly.
My memory is a bit blurry, but I do remember the day I found out she would be transferri…

Watching and Waiting

The deck of the restaurant across the street was stained the color of orange rarely seen outside the tragic tribes of young women in Southern Florida. I continued to watch, sitting underneath a black and white awning sipping a mild Pinot, as clumps of khaki and corpulent figures hovered around the entrance waiting for their name to be called. While my date was in the restroom, I continued to watch their movements. They seemed to be the kind of people you stand in line with at the drug store. Most likely, we would make small talk about the weather or the cover of scandalous magazines. In front of the chintzy restaurant, a banner advertised a bargain deal on pitchers of margaritas. My date had just returned from the restroom as I looked away from the across the street and wondered what it was like to feel simple.
He was wearing a white cotton shirt underneath his sandy brown blazer. There were worn leather patches, another ruggedly handsome color, on the elbows. I was curious about the …

The Perfect Woman 2.0

A couple years ago, I found myself in bed with Roseanne Barr. I was binge watching the Roseanne collection on Netflix and paused after watching an episode from the second season, called “All of Me.” Jackie has a new boyfriend, Gary, and they are having dinner with Roseanne and her husband Dan. Jackie, who is 33 years old, is clearly smitten and “acting like a high school girl,” according to Roseanne.
Dan and Gary go out to the garage so the women can talk. Roseanne brings up a man Jackie dated the year before. She hints at Jackie’s bad track record with men and seems concerned Jackie is, once again, throwing herself into another man’s personality while ignoring her own. “We do things I want to do all the time. Or, we will,” says Jackie.  They continue to talk in the kitchen, and Jackie is convinced she shouldn’t have to tell Gary what she wants because he should already know. “Yes, he should be able to read your mind,” says Roseanne.
In the next scene, Jackie and Gary are in bed. He a…

A Night With 'Showgirls'

7:40 pm I pour myself a tequila and soda with lime.
7:44 pm I pack a bowl. I have to be prepared to go into battle. It bears worth mentioning this is the fifth time I’ve seen this movie.
7:48 pm I press play.
7:49 pm I like Jesse Spano’s black leather jacket with all that fringe. (Her name in the movie is actually Nomi Malone, but I refuse to use this name.)
7:50 pm According to Jesse, nobody likes Garth Brooks. She also thinks she is a switchblade sister.
7:54 pm Jesse is losing it in the parking lot because she lost her suitcase. A woman runs over and tells her that’s her car. There is a weird sexual tension between her and this woman. Now they’re hugging because they’re best friends?
7:55 pm WHY IS JESSE BEING SO AGGRESSIVE WITH THE KETCHUP?
7:56 pm Jesse asks the woman if she’s hitting on her. NOT EVERYBODY WANTS YOU MISS CAFFEINE PILLS!
7:58 pm BOOBS. If I take a drink every time I see breasts in this movie I’ll hold the world record for the quickest case of alcohol poisoning.
8:00 pm There are ti…